All relationships start at the superficial level, categorized as “Level 1.” Each level represents a unique and healthy relationship, and it is never a goal to move anyone to “Level 6.” Individuals will fall into different levels based on what they do, not what they say; and can be moved forward or backward in accordance with their attitudes and behaviors. I make all the decisions based on my own assessment, not taking the word or advice of other people.
** Level 1: Superficial ** insubstantial or insignificant. At this level, relationships are insignificant, so the people in this category don’t impact my life in any meaningful way. There is no emotional connection at this level. They don’t owe me anything, and I don’t expect anything. I keep all my emotional information private. Any judgements made on me by a person at Level 1 can be immediately dismissed because I don’t know this person, so I can’t attribute healthy behavior to them. Nothing they say or do is of any consequence to me. These people can’t hurt me if I have them at Level 1 in my heart, not just my head.
**Level 2: Casual** Without definite or serious intention. Individuals advance to Level 2 due to shared time, such as co-workers, classmates, or people in recovery programs. There are still no expectations to or from, or obligations to or from anyone at this level. I don’t owe anyone at Level 2 any degree of closeness, and I use this level for assessment, actively looking for ‘red flags.’ I remind myself that I’ve only met their representative – the version of themselves they want me to see. After 90 days, I reassess for red flags, and I also check my own behavior to ensure I am being authentic. Any judgements made on me by a person at Level can be dismissed, because at Level 2 people don’t really know me. There is a slight exception for people in recovery programs. If someone in recovery makes a judgement of me, I assess them before I accept it. I look at their recovery to determine if their opinion can be valued.
**Level 3: Companion** A person who frequently associates with or accompanies another. This level allows for activities where the experience is more important than the individual, like going to the movies or having a ski buddy. At this level, I can begin to share emotional information with healthy people, but only when it is appropriate. If they try to fix, minimize, or share this with others, I might move them back to Level 2, or keep them here, but they will not be moved forward, and I will keep my emotional information to myself in the future. My emotional information belongs with my recovery sponsor. If this companion was raised in a healthy home environment, or if they are in recovery, I can consider moving them to Level 4. If they are not in recovery or they were not raised in a healthy household, this is as far as they go.
**Level 4: Friend** A person who is attached to another by feelings of affection. This relationship is built on equal value and respect between two people. It’s essential to evaluate my friend and ensure that they also consider me a Level 4. If they treat me like a Level 1, I move them back and meet them at that level. This relationship is more intimate than the others; I feel comfortable with this person and spend more time with them than with other people. (A sponsor in a recovery program often fits into this category.) If a Level 4 person tells me something about myself, I give it careful consideration. I take time to determine if what they told me is true. If it is true, I make sure it’s an actual defect before I go to work on it. It might be that we just do things differently.
**Level 5: Intimate** Very private; closely personal. This level represents a deeply bonded relationship characterized by shared interests, trust, and respect. We can comfortably share quiet moments together without feeling the need to fill the silence. Time spent together creates increased trust and respect, not less. At this level, I can take more significant risks with deeply emotional information when appropriate, knowing it will remain confidential and not be used to hurt me.
**Level 6: Partner** A deeply familiar relationship: one member of a pair. This is the fearless level for both people. I am no longer afraid of being abandoned; I am content. This person is the executor of my will because I can trust them. I accept and appreciate this person as is, not needing them to change for me so I can be happy. Nothing this person says hurts me in any way, because I know for certain they will not try to hurt me. This is the one person I can truly be around for as long as we are both alive. You might have one or two people here at the most.
